it's been awhile

things have been weird.

I can't even update what's been going on since my last post because a lot has happened.

so I'm turning 26 next sunday. I'm not at all excited, because that is the same day my boyfriend gets laid off.

we are going down to vancouver for thanksgiving, well he is going on mon and I'm driving down on wed which is a little annoying. I don't know why he can't wait an extra day and a half for me, but whatever.

things need to change drastically. I'm not happy and haven't been for awhile. I pretend Im fine, because what else can I do? I don't know why I'm not happy. well, I sort of do. There are many elements that go into my unhappiness. I think Im most unhappy with myself. I've let myself go and let myself down.

I have lost myself again, and it's time to start searching. I can't keep doing what I'm doing because the reason I do what I do is to distract myself from reality, and honestly it's so easy to do that. There are tv shows, movies, and facebook games galore, while I do enjoy all of those things, and will probably continue to do so but in moderation now, I need to remember that they aren't real life. I need to disconnect to a degree, in order to reconnect with my life. it's sad how easy it is to slip away from life.

I have always considered myself a strong person. I need to find my strength again and get my life back. I need to find my way back to me, because I'm not myself anymore. I do not like who I am right now. I'm bitter, often angry, often sad and yet to others I seem fine. I don't want to seem fine anymore. I want to BE fine! I want to be happy again and let go of my anger and sadness for something so much better.

This will not be an easy journey for me. this will take time. this will test my strength and patience. I hope once I find myself again, everything else will work itself out.