still unsure

so it's now almost 5 months since my last post and i still don't know the reason you came into my life. nothing is going on between us anymore so it obviously wasn't for the purpose of a relationship.. and you aren't a good friend, so it wasn't for friendship. maybe it was just to torture me, or break me, or mess me up more. that's what it feels like.

i still like you, almost love you in a way.. and it kills me that you don't feel remotely the same. it makes me sad that you are fine just pushing me away without a second thought.

idk what to do. i know nothing will happen now, it's a certainty, but i still can't let you go. it's maddening. it's like.. my mind knows there is no point in anything anymore, but my heart is still pulling for you.. still wanting you to step up and save it from destruction.. silly heart. when will you ever learn.

not so guarded heart

everything happens for a reason.

i'm still trying to figure out the reason behind you, the reason we were meant to meet now when we both have so much going on...

everything still hurts. I thought after him there could be no other, that I would be too wounded and broken and have nothing left to offer, but you have shown me that i'm not broken and that I am a strong person and have lots to offer...

you scare me. we both like each other but I like you more than i should and it's leaving me open for potential heartache.

I don't know what it is about you that draws me in. so far you have displayed many qualities that I know I want in a man. I want someone who knows how to treat a woman the way she deserves. I want someone who is attentive and caring. I want someone who wants to understand me and my many moods and can comfort me and bring me out of those dark places when I find myself lost there. you do those things. :)

sometimes i want to curse the gods for sending you to me now, even though I desperately needed you... i'm scared that your reason for appearing in my life will be over soon and i can't even bear to think what my life would be like without you in it now... you really are my sunshine.

i know i'm just kidding myself when i dream at night. I see all of the things my heart wants, even though i know they could never be. it kind of hurts.

i never expected you. i never expected to like you this way. you came out of nowhere. a boy i went to high school with. you started talking to me and i thought you were weird. lol. but then i met you. i've gotten to know you a little bit and I see what an amazing man you are. :)

i am not a very trusting person, but i trust you. even though i'm scared i will get hurt, which would be my own fault anyway, I trust you. I am so comfortable around you which is weird because i'm not comfortable in my own skin. i feel so safe when i'm with you, like nothing bad can happen. when i'm freaking out i know i can turn to you and it will be okay. you have this way of calming me down... you're like magic.

i'm terrified for myself because i'm starting to fall for you, and I can't. you have plans, and goals, and are deploying again sometime this year. I don't fit into your plans at all. you weren't expecting me either, and you're not really ready for me. I can't ask you to put your plans on hold and fit me into your life, but I wish I could...

i'm trying to keep it casual, trying to make it seem casual anyway. I try very hard to keep what im feeling hidden from you. it doesn't work so well most of the time because you have the ability to read me like a book. i have no defences when it comes to you. it's crazy. I dont know what you do to me.

i like you. a whole lot. it will be interesting to see how this all unfolds...

standing still

it's been a little over a month since my heart was shattered.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have no idea who I am.

I had been dominic and alicia for so long that I lost myself and I can't find my way back. I'm just standing still. stuck. I don't miss him, but I miss everything else. I miss my life.

everyone says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but this has killed me. I seem okay on the outside but there is nothing left inside. I have nothing left. every ounce of what I once was has been stolen from me, or damaged beyond repair. I'm just an empty shell, going through the motions. I pretend to be okay because I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to see pity in there eyes, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want to be... just let me stand still in this moment until I figure out where to go. Don't judge me because of what I'm doing, because I don't know what I'm doing. I just need everyone to stop. back off and let me be whatever I am right now. Don't tell me I'm making mistakes, don't tell me not to go out drinking or whatever. just stop. just let me be. let me make my mistakes because without them I won't move and I'll be stuck forever.

I just can't worry about people worrying about me. I'm not in a place where I care. and people worrying about me and what I'm doing is not okay right now. just stop! everyone!! I need to do this on my own. I need to feel this way. I need to lose control, I need to make mistakes, I need to fall, I need to do whatever gets me through the day...

boxes

I think I have packed about a third of my stuff.

today hasn't been so hard. the more I'm packing my things away the emptier and less "home-like" the apartment is becoming. and this might be mean, but I hope once all of my stuff is gone he feels how empty it is. it's not that I want him to suffer, but I want him to feel something, I want him to feel a fraction of the heartache I'm feeling.

wow

sometimes my train of thought amazes me.

slowly feel like i'm going crazy. can't stop thinking about everything. finally feeling something but it's bad. totally falling apart at the seams.

this is really it. this is really the end. I shouldn't hold out hope of us ever getting back together because in the end i'm just setting myself up for more heartache.

who knows. maybe you really do still love me. or maybe you have already moved on to something better. either way, I have to find a way to survive without you. I have to find a way to let you go so that we can still be friends without me freaking out over every little thing.

I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, dreams, and life and find a way to make it through.

of course, I have no idea how I'm going to do any of those things. you were my rock for the last five years. I learned a lot of valuable things from you, I was only learning new things from you because you are so much smarter than I am. I will miss that. I will miss you correcting me all the time. I will miss your sense of logic. I will miss everything. the good and the bad.

I want to hold out hope that things might not be so final, but you have given me none. which is what you should do. here is the irony in that. you said you were tired of being my crutch, and yet here you are doing what you can do to help me let go. it's bittersweet.

i want to go back to being numb. numb was well numb.

I don't like to feel anymore.

numb

i'm so numb right now.

its hard to know that the only time I have left with him is just me packing up my stuff.

I don't even think this is hard on him. I just think he can't wait until I leave. that hurts.

almost five years of my life has been devoted to him and it's hard for me to see how easy it is for him to let go. he once said that once he stops himself from feeling whatever for people that's the end. I wonder if this is the same. I wonder if I should be holding out any hope of ever having a life with him again, or if I should truly give up and try to move on.

I feel like I'm stupid or something. holding out hope to get back with someone who broke up with me.

i'm either numb or sad. that is all i am able to feel right now and both options suck.

I was trying to pack up the back room and I was going through the wii games trying to figure out which ones were mine and which ones were okay for me to take. then i found all of the pictures we have taken over our 5 years together and I had to try so hard not to cry. does any of this affect him?

the hardest part of this whole thing is that almost everything we bought was for us. for our life together and trying to separate it out is killing me. instead of sentimental value it comes down to who actually paid for it. and of course he paid for most of the good stuff, most of the sentimental stuff. and so he keeps it. and i'm left feeling empty.

it saddens me to say that after five years with him, i don't know how i will ever live without him. I know everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to believe that there is a good reason for this. I'm trying to stay positive. I know that in time I will heal but my wounds are so fresh right now and every little thing that pulls emotion from me feels like someone is pouring salt in my wounds.

i knew this would be hard, but i didn't know it would be so crushing.

I also feel like i was blindsided. i feel like it came out of nowhere and it kind of did. he led me to believe that everything was fine up until the point he told me he couldn't do this anymore. yes, he gave me chances to change and i didn't. but i figured if he loved me enough he would continue to support me...but that wasn't the case. the face that i didn't try tore him apart inside to the point of resentment. and this is where it lead. I should have known better. I should have realized sooner. I regret not trying. its the biggest regret I will ever have, because it feels like it cost me everything.

now i'm just pissed.

he was the one who started to pull away from the relationship first. he was the one who made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells and who started being on the computer all the time first. he has always been the one who is always on the computer for as long as i can remember.

he is the one who always chooses friends over me. he is the one who is always chatting online with someone. always texting people. he will talk on the phone with other people but not me.

I'm fucking tired of not being first in his life. maybe I should just call is quits. I don't want to live my life being number 2. everyone gets put before me. he can be so nice to everyone else but then is a completely dick to me. he can go out of his way for other people but not me. he thinks about other peoples feelings but not mine.

I don't know if I want to work this out anymore...

there are things I need to change, but there are things he needs to change too, and we have talked about them at length and he goes along with it for a week or two, but then it's the same thing.

I put in effort after the last talk we had. I would turn off my computer and hope to have a conversation but then two minutes later he would turn his on.

I'm fucking tired of being the one to put in effort. because honestly, he really doesn't at all. maybe if he spent all the time he does talking to other people, and talked to me half as much as them, things wouldn't be so bad. but he doesn't even try anymore and he expects me to change? that's bullshit.

a relationship is a two way street. if you're done putting in the work, then why should I still be trying? it's not okay.

we really need to talk because the more I sit here and think about it closer I am to calling it quits.