not so guarded heart

everything happens for a reason.

i'm still trying to figure out the reason behind you, the reason we were meant to meet now when we both have so much going on...

everything still hurts. I thought after him there could be no other, that I would be too wounded and broken and have nothing left to offer, but you have shown me that i'm not broken and that I am a strong person and have lots to offer...

you scare me. we both like each other but I like you more than i should and it's leaving me open for potential heartache.

I don't know what it is about you that draws me in. so far you have displayed many qualities that I know I want in a man. I want someone who knows how to treat a woman the way she deserves. I want someone who is attentive and caring. I want someone who wants to understand me and my many moods and can comfort me and bring me out of those dark places when I find myself lost there. you do those things. :)

sometimes i want to curse the gods for sending you to me now, even though I desperately needed you... i'm scared that your reason for appearing in my life will be over soon and i can't even bear to think what my life would be like without you in it now... you really are my sunshine.

i know i'm just kidding myself when i dream at night. I see all of the things my heart wants, even though i know they could never be. it kind of hurts.

i never expected you. i never expected to like you this way. you came out of nowhere. a boy i went to high school with. you started talking to me and i thought you were weird. lol. but then i met you. i've gotten to know you a little bit and I see what an amazing man you are. :)

i am not a very trusting person, but i trust you. even though i'm scared i will get hurt, which would be my own fault anyway, I trust you. I am so comfortable around you which is weird because i'm not comfortable in my own skin. i feel so safe when i'm with you, like nothing bad can happen. when i'm freaking out i know i can turn to you and it will be okay. you have this way of calming me down... you're like magic.

i'm terrified for myself because i'm starting to fall for you, and I can't. you have plans, and goals, and are deploying again sometime this year. I don't fit into your plans at all. you weren't expecting me either, and you're not really ready for me. I can't ask you to put your plans on hold and fit me into your life, but I wish I could...

i'm trying to keep it casual, trying to make it seem casual anyway. I try very hard to keep what im feeling hidden from you. it doesn't work so well most of the time because you have the ability to read me like a book. i have no defences when it comes to you. it's crazy. I dont know what you do to me.

i like you. a whole lot. it will be interesting to see how this all unfolds...

standing still

it's been a little over a month since my heart was shattered.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have no idea who I am.

I had been dominic and alicia for so long that I lost myself and I can't find my way back. I'm just standing still. stuck. I don't miss him, but I miss everything else. I miss my life.

everyone says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but this has killed me. I seem okay on the outside but there is nothing left inside. I have nothing left. every ounce of what I once was has been stolen from me, or damaged beyond repair. I'm just an empty shell, going through the motions. I pretend to be okay because I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to see pity in there eyes, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want to be... just let me stand still in this moment until I figure out where to go. Don't judge me because of what I'm doing, because I don't know what I'm doing. I just need everyone to stop. back off and let me be whatever I am right now. Don't tell me I'm making mistakes, don't tell me not to go out drinking or whatever. just stop. just let me be. let me make my mistakes because without them I won't move and I'll be stuck forever.

I just can't worry about people worrying about me. I'm not in a place where I care. and people worrying about me and what I'm doing is not okay right now. just stop! everyone!! I need to do this on my own. I need to feel this way. I need to lose control, I need to make mistakes, I need to fall, I need to do whatever gets me through the day...