boxes

I think I have packed about a third of my stuff.

today hasn't been so hard. the more I'm packing my things away the emptier and less "home-like" the apartment is becoming. and this might be mean, but I hope once all of my stuff is gone he feels how empty it is. it's not that I want him to suffer, but I want him to feel something, I want him to feel a fraction of the heartache I'm feeling.

wow

sometimes my train of thought amazes me.

slowly feel like i'm going crazy. can't stop thinking about everything. finally feeling something but it's bad. totally falling apart at the seams.

this is really it. this is really the end. I shouldn't hold out hope of us ever getting back together because in the end i'm just setting myself up for more heartache.

who knows. maybe you really do still love me. or maybe you have already moved on to something better. either way, I have to find a way to survive without you. I have to find a way to let you go so that we can still be friends without me freaking out over every little thing.

I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, dreams, and life and find a way to make it through.

of course, I have no idea how I'm going to do any of those things. you were my rock for the last five years. I learned a lot of valuable things from you, I was only learning new things from you because you are so much smarter than I am. I will miss that. I will miss you correcting me all the time. I will miss your sense of logic. I will miss everything. the good and the bad.

I want to hold out hope that things might not be so final, but you have given me none. which is what you should do. here is the irony in that. you said you were tired of being my crutch, and yet here you are doing what you can do to help me let go. it's bittersweet.

i want to go back to being numb. numb was well numb.

I don't like to feel anymore.

numb

i'm so numb right now.

its hard to know that the only time I have left with him is just me packing up my stuff.

I don't even think this is hard on him. I just think he can't wait until I leave. that hurts.

almost five years of my life has been devoted to him and it's hard for me to see how easy it is for him to let go. he once said that once he stops himself from feeling whatever for people that's the end. I wonder if this is the same. I wonder if I should be holding out any hope of ever having a life with him again, or if I should truly give up and try to move on.

I feel like I'm stupid or something. holding out hope to get back with someone who broke up with me.

i'm either numb or sad. that is all i am able to feel right now and both options suck.

I was trying to pack up the back room and I was going through the wii games trying to figure out which ones were mine and which ones were okay for me to take. then i found all of the pictures we have taken over our 5 years together and I had to try so hard not to cry. does any of this affect him?

the hardest part of this whole thing is that almost everything we bought was for us. for our life together and trying to separate it out is killing me. instead of sentimental value it comes down to who actually paid for it. and of course he paid for most of the good stuff, most of the sentimental stuff. and so he keeps it. and i'm left feeling empty.

it saddens me to say that after five years with him, i don't know how i will ever live without him. I know everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to believe that there is a good reason for this. I'm trying to stay positive. I know that in time I will heal but my wounds are so fresh right now and every little thing that pulls emotion from me feels like someone is pouring salt in my wounds.

i knew this would be hard, but i didn't know it would be so crushing.

I also feel like i was blindsided. i feel like it came out of nowhere and it kind of did. he led me to believe that everything was fine up until the point he told me he couldn't do this anymore. yes, he gave me chances to change and i didn't. but i figured if he loved me enough he would continue to support me...but that wasn't the case. the face that i didn't try tore him apart inside to the point of resentment. and this is where it lead. I should have known better. I should have realized sooner. I regret not trying. its the biggest regret I will ever have, because it feels like it cost me everything.

now i'm just pissed.

he was the one who started to pull away from the relationship first. he was the one who made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells and who started being on the computer all the time first. he has always been the one who is always on the computer for as long as i can remember.

he is the one who always chooses friends over me. he is the one who is always chatting online with someone. always texting people. he will talk on the phone with other people but not me.

I'm fucking tired of not being first in his life. maybe I should just call is quits. I don't want to live my life being number 2. everyone gets put before me. he can be so nice to everyone else but then is a completely dick to me. he can go out of his way for other people but not me. he thinks about other peoples feelings but not mine.

I don't know if I want to work this out anymore...

there are things I need to change, but there are things he needs to change too, and we have talked about them at length and he goes along with it for a week or two, but then it's the same thing.

I put in effort after the last talk we had. I would turn off my computer and hope to have a conversation but then two minutes later he would turn his on.

I'm fucking tired of being the one to put in effort. because honestly, he really doesn't at all. maybe if he spent all the time he does talking to other people, and talked to me half as much as them, things wouldn't be so bad. but he doesn't even try anymore and he expects me to change? that's bullshit.

a relationship is a two way street. if you're done putting in the work, then why should I still be trying? it's not okay.

we really need to talk because the more I sit here and think about it closer I am to calling it quits.

wow.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

at this point in time, right now, I feel like I could care less if all was said and done.

but I know tomorrow I will feel differently.

I just wish I knew what was going through his head. what he was feeling.

he completely removed his relationship status...at least it didn't change to single, but this seems just as bad.

he wouldn't really have me come down for christmas if he was going to break up with me would he? I mean that just seems cruel...and I know at times he can be mean...but not like this.

I just need clarification on where we stand because it's driving me nuts. I have to wait at least a day maybe more depending on when he feels like talking about it.

*sigh*

why does love have to get so complicated? why can't it just be simple? why does life have to get in the way and ruin things? it doesn't seem fair.

I think I need a drink.

twilight soundtrack

totally obsessed with it. :) I haven't gotten my hands on it until recently and now that I have it I can't stop listening to it. need to put in my ipod.

I also need to burn some new cds for the drive down to vancouver...maybe. it depends on how my boyfriends grandma is doing.

so luckily I got paid enough at my job to pay for the voluntary forberance on my private education loans...again. I really wish I had the money to just pay the damn loan off...I hope this is the last time I will have to do it this way.

I hate my job. I always have to ask my boss questions and since she's still not in the office, I have to wait until she calls me back. it's really annoying. I've been waiting for her to call back since like 12:40 and it's 2:14. can't really get my job done when I have to wait... and of course still no cleaning supplies. awesome!

I am praying fiercely for this new job. I need it! I'm sending over my resume later today. I need to get together a list of references.

bleh. I want today to end. I'm lucky I got paid today because I have 5.34 left in my account after having to buy drano today. stupid hair clogged the drain and I can't get in under the stopper thing to get it out...lame. of all the things I need money for drain cleaner...not on the list.

I'm tired of being poor and barely being able to keep up with my bills. it's a horrid feeling that needs to go away. I have started to fill out some applications for other jobs just in case I don't get this one, but I'm praying that I do! it's like the perfect amount of money, perfect amount of hours plus I only have to commute 4 days and get a three day weekend every week. talk about awesome.

now...I just need to get it and I'm set. :)

things will be so much better if I get this job. I can even give my parents some money for my insurance, or car payment, or cell phone bill. (they are currently paying all of that for me)

I will have a lil bit of money left after paying all my bills. about 100 bucks but I'm sure it will be gone after I stock the fridge. man food is expensive. or I will give some to my boyfriend for whatever. rent. even though that's not even an eighth of the rent. see...ugh. I'm constantly thinking money, money, money and how to manage the little tiny bit that I get. it sucks. at least if I get this job I will be able to actually save some money. I'm sure my savings account will appreciate that since it's been empty for a long time.

anyway. I'm tired of talking about that crap. lets move on.

so I'm currently reading a catcher in the rye...it's lame. probably the worst book i've read in a long time...but I'm going to finish reading it so I can say I read it. than I'm going to read the grapes of wrath. I tried to read a steinbeck book before...east of eden or something and I stopped shortly after chapter 2. I will have to revisit that one as well, if I can find it.

I also need to read the bible. I have never read the whole thing. I am going to try the read through the bible in a year. it will be interesting. I think my thoughts on that will end up in my "finding my way back to god" blog, because I have enough stuff in my life to talk about here.

I'm totally going to go home and watch twilight tonight. lol. I keep seeing parts of the movie when I listen to the soundtrack. it's kind of weird. I tried to re-read twilight and was having a very hard time. I had to put it away. I don't know if I'm just past the books because the movies have been so good or what, but I'm finding bella in the book to be very annoying and boring. I want to punch her. lol.

*whew* the power went out for second while I was bloggin, but it saved it where I stopped. awesome.

yeah I'm getting kind of tired of reading kid/fantasy books. I think I'm going to go back to romance for awhile or thriller. I need to hit up all about books soon and get some new used books.

so since the boyfriend has been gone, I finished season 2, 3, and 4 of weeds. I cannot wait until season 5 comes out in january! I will have gossip girl season 2 finished some time this week. then I don't know what I will watch. maybe start over nip/tuck once I get those back from dru.

I think I am going to buy wii fit plus tomorrow. I've been wanting it for awhile and I'm finally committing myself to exercising. it will be nice to have it for the days when the weather is horrid, or days when I have a hard time getting out of bed let alone going to the gym. plus I heard it's fun. I don't know though. we will see. there are few other things I really want to buy myself...I will have to narrow it down to one and only buy the one this month. don't want to stretch myself too thin.

I'm really freaking bored right now. work is dead. i still have about an hour and 20 mins until I get to go home.

I have some present wrapping to do when I get home as well as some cleaning and cooking. fun times. I also need to possibly start to pack for the trip down.

you know what I'm looking forward to the most once I get this job? contacts. I cannot wait until I get to wear contacts again. lol. the whole glasses thing with the rain and cooking...not fun. speaking of cooking, I might have to pick up some cookie mix so I won't be heading down empty-handed... I don't really want to make them though but no gifts this year. too poor. maybe I will wait until after Christmas to get wii fit plus. I might get some money or something from my folks.

I do know that I am getting harry potter finally! so I might just do a harry potter weekend marathon if I don't go down. that would be nice.

If i had my own business, i would be closed from thursday until new years... unfortunately...i have to work christmas eve then the next week and new years eve. lame. well, I guess since I don't get paid for holidays maybe it's not so bad. dang. that is two days off of my paycheck this next pay period. crap. maybe I won't be spending anything. I think I will just be paying my bills and buying a tiny bit of food.

good times.

so of course after emailing the boyfriend the email of death...not really, but the "we need to talk" email, he hasn't mentioned it. and so it goes. that is how we do things apparently. we will talk once we are face to face. I am thinking things might be okay, but I just don't know how he feels about me anymore. we shall see. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I have no idea what is going through his mind because it will drive me crazy. hence, all the dvd watching. lol.

I am totally not in the Christmas spirit this year. it has finally evaded me. I think it was fading last year but it's definitly not here now. I love Christmas, but not this year. I think money is an issue plus all the family issues...boyfriend issues. it's just not a jolly time in my life right now. I'm kind of sad that I'm not in the mood for Christmas. :(

okay so my favorite songs to listen to at the moment:

flightless bird/american mouth - iron and wine
eye's on fire - blue foundation
full moon- the black ghosts
(yes, they are on the twilight soundtrack, that is all I'm listening to today)

okay this is ridiciously long so I'm done. lol.

hmm...

so I laid it all on the line through an email. maybe not the best way but it was the only way that would work right now.

I have had no response which I expected but it still sucks not knowing what is going through his mind.

I am numb.

wow

i'm tired.

finished my christmas shopping today. the mall was an absolute zoo. I will make sure to get my christmas shopping done early next year. lol.

tomorrow: cleaning the bathroom, and cleaning the back room. did not get it done today.

I'm stressed.

If things work out the way I hope... then things in my life might finally fall into place.

it's hard to put all of your hope in one thing, especially when it's not certain. but I am hoping and praying to God that this one thing works out so that I can have freedom.

my night...

I was dead tired but could not sleep last night...so what did I do? I started watching season two of gossip girls and stayed up until 3:30 am!! lol. my sleep schedule is so jacked!

plans for today: clean kitchen, bathroom and backroom. going shopping with lisa at 1. that is my day. I haven't been to a mall in ages!! at least not for random shopping, usually I just go in to whatever store, get what I want and leave. lol. I'm hoping to score some of those awesome holiday almonds they usually sell at the mall. they are so yumtastic! oh and to see if bath and body works still has the sun-ripened raspberry and country apple stuff...puyallup didn't have any of the older scents at their store when I went there.

will be back to update as the day goes on.

bah humbug!

I am so not in the mood for the holidays! I just want them to pass and I want the new year to start.

the boyfriend is out of town and I'm going crazy. I was okay the first two days but today was horrible. at least I had a few hours of distraction when pamela and hayden came over. that boy is loud, but cute!

bleh.

so my boyfriend posted something about losing himself on facebook today, which is kind of funny because I've been feeling the same thing.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night and we were discussing change. and I told him every five years it's like I'm re-finding myself again because every five years you have big life changes. when your five you finally become like a little human being. you can hold really good conversations with adults and etc. then comes ten. you are a totally different person than you were when you were five. you have more friends your in school, it's awkward. when you turn 15...well everyone remembers what it's like being 15. lol. also awkward. 20..you are born to party. 25..you have kind of partied your way out of partying and are starting to become an actual adult. 30...etc. every five years a big change.

unfortunately for me I turned 26 but instead of feeling like I'm headed toward a big change...the big 30..the married/kids/career age...I feel like I have taken a step backwards.

I feel broken.

my relationship, which is one of the most important things in my life is broken. we are broken in so many ways and it doesn't seem like we will ever get back to where we used to be...but are we supposed to? aren't we supposed to change and grow? I think the problem for us is that we have seemed to grow and change at different times and in different ways and we can't seem to get back on track and grow and change together. I think we have hit a critical time. we are still finding out more about ourselves and we have grown and changed together over the last five years, it's time for us to grow and change within ourselves and figure out who we are again or find ourselves again. I have hope that we will find our path again and be better than ever. I have hope that this year will be the year that brings the changes to our lives that we need in order to grow and maintain our relationship. I have hope that we will outlast this bump in the road.

I have hope.

new obession

lucerne yogurt.

so far my favorite flavors are yumberry grapefruit, bartlett pear mangosteen, and passion orange pineapple. the only one I dislike is the gogi apple. has no flavor.

apparently....

this will be a monthly blog?

I will try to aim for weekly. a lot happens in my life and after a month, well things get confusing.

so...saw new moon on my birthday with Lisa! awesome! minus the like 9 year old boys behind us, clearly dragged by the rest of the family, who were talking super loud!!

the boyfriend got laid off.

I turned 26.

I think those are all the major points. lol.

I am not a fan of the holidays this year. I skipped thanksgiving with my family to spend it with his because I thought his sister and her kids were going to be down and we see them like 1 or 2 times a year, but they came early and left before then. so that sucked, because apparently this is one of the first years in a long time that it was just family. no neighbors, no church people, just family. kinda bummed about that.

not looking forward to christmas. well, not looking forward to the travelling for christmas. maybe i will skip christmas with his family this year and just watch movies with my parents or something nice and quite. who knows at this point.

I finally got my christmas cards out. that took some time. but they are done, except for two because I haven't gotten address from them yet.

I guess it's a little bit early. but i'm thinking about my goals for this next year. one is to find a job that I can afford to work at. I like my job but I just don't work enough hours and don't get paid enough to survive off it. that will be interesting to tackle when it comes time to talk with the boss about that. a second goal of mine is to use my time more wisely. I have cut back on the facebooking, but I'm still on the computer a lot. I need to be more productive this next year, especially if I really want to get my business off the ground. In fact I'm going to make a plan. I have already gotten new business cards, actually cards. step two would be to re-vamp the website, step three go through what I have left and pick what to sell and what to reuse. step four, some kind of productivity plan for the new year. then of course stick to the plan and get some sales. I would love to expand my avon business, but I'm thinking in the new year I might just have to let it go completly. we will see. I need to quit a bad habit for good. and seriously get on the exercise wagon.

I also need to throughly go through my stuff and get rid of things. I am a pack rat. I have a problem. I am sort of materialistic, but only when it comes to certain things, and not all the time. I'm weird. If I can get certain brand stuff that I like, like harajuku lovers bags and perfume, I do, but then I use purses I get from Avon. and I have one coach bag. and a pair of coach rainboots. avon shoes and payless shoes. I used to use mac makeup and bare minerals but now I'm avon. anyway kind of drifted away from my point....which was I have too much stuff. I should seriously hold a garage sale. I would probably make a ton. the problem I have is that most of the stuff I horde has sentimental value and that is why it's hard for me to detach myself from it. I will have to stop putting value in things. I have an idea! I will take pictures of all the things that mean a lot to me but I don't use. that way I can always look back on them and see the objects and remember the feelings but not have them sitting on a shelf gathering dust! I'm a genius! not really but it's a good idea. :P

I will also try to do a better job on here, not that anyone reads my blog, but for my own personal whatever...lol.

it's been awhile

things have been weird.

I can't even update what's been going on since my last post because a lot has happened.

so I'm turning 26 next sunday. I'm not at all excited, because that is the same day my boyfriend gets laid off.

we are going down to vancouver for thanksgiving, well he is going on mon and I'm driving down on wed which is a little annoying. I don't know why he can't wait an extra day and a half for me, but whatever.

things need to change drastically. I'm not happy and haven't been for awhile. I pretend Im fine, because what else can I do? I don't know why I'm not happy. well, I sort of do. There are many elements that go into my unhappiness. I think Im most unhappy with myself. I've let myself go and let myself down.

I have lost myself again, and it's time to start searching. I can't keep doing what I'm doing because the reason I do what I do is to distract myself from reality, and honestly it's so easy to do that. There are tv shows, movies, and facebook games galore, while I do enjoy all of those things, and will probably continue to do so but in moderation now, I need to remember that they aren't real life. I need to disconnect to a degree, in order to reconnect with my life. it's sad how easy it is to slip away from life.

I have always considered myself a strong person. I need to find my strength again and get my life back. I need to find my way back to me, because I'm not myself anymore. I do not like who I am right now. I'm bitter, often angry, often sad and yet to others I seem fine. I don't want to seem fine anymore. I want to BE fine! I want to be happy again and let go of my anger and sadness for something so much better.

This will not be an easy journey for me. this will take time. this will test my strength and patience. I hope once I find myself again, everything else will work itself out.

so the daily didn't last...

bleh. things have been hectic in my life.

this will not be in any kind of order because I can't keep track of anything these days. 1. bf will be losing his job. 2. bf hates my family sort of. 3. in the office by myself all day. 4. having horrid neck pain the last few days. 5. no money to pay avon. I'm short $100.00 bucks. I placed my order but it will be cancelled if I don't pay in ten days, and who knows when it will ship. 5. have to ask my parents to borrow money to pay avon. 6. tired of selling avon. 7. just tired. 8. have new stuff done for my website, have pictures, but haven't posted anything because I have no more materials to re-make them. 9. need money. 10. need good sleep. 11. need to place an order to shipwreck beads and oriential trading so i can continue making stuff. 12. need to find a way to get out of debt faster. 13. money = evil. 14. i'm always freezing. 15. think i could be getting the ick.

bleh

yesterday was just not a good day. I was tired all day and I've been stressed out lately. every other month my boyfriend might get laid off and it hangs over our heads everyday. He is stressed. I'm stressed. it's a bad situation.

I just need to get away from my everyday life for awhile. unfortunately, that is not going to happen anytime soon.

ugh I hate money. money is ruining everything. it's making me miserable. I wish we didn't need money. money sucks.

hopefully today goes better than yesterday.

ugh..

so nothing went today as planned, but it's okay. I'm just stressed because of my lack of money. money is really starting to ruin my relationship and I feel like there isn't anything I can do about it, I'm stuck. What kind of job can I find when I work from noon to 5? I'm sorry but these are scary times and I'm not trying to get off of work late at night.

I'm really hoping my jewelry and stuff takes off so I can bring in some much needed extra money. Even if my hours went up I would only be making enough to pay my bills and my student loans. My life sucks. I'm miserable. I keep everything in and now I'm just falling apart...my life is falling apart, and I feel like there is nothing I can do. mostly I'm worried about my student loans. I have horrible credit so I can't consolidate my loans with one of the few options I have...I might as well just default on my loans since my credit sucks anyway... yeah right. my boyfriend would never marry me then. he's so concerned about money all the time and how my bad credit score will effect him.

I officially hate my life right now. :/

ugh

today was definitely a monday. my day started out blah and errands were blah work wasn't too bad, at least I had someone to talk to, bf came home blah, cat is driving me nuts blah.

today was just a blah day. I'm not a happy camper. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere tomorrow, but I have to. I need to deposit my check. I need to get rid of the boxes here and take them to the rents. I need to deliver Avon orders. I need to get gas. I need to cut out fabric for drawstring bags. I need to finish my cross embroidery. I need to finish the cupcake embroidery. I need to take pictures of my new jewelry. I need to make more jewelry.

bleh. so much to do, not nearly enough time or money.

case of the mondays

I cannot get going this morning. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. I didn't get anything done this weekend, so I'm not in the greatest mood, plus I am getting an overdraft fee, so that makes it worse. Plus, I'm cold. :/

I so have a case of the Mondays as you can tell by my complaining. lol. I hate mondays. mondays signal the end of the weekend, and I love weekends, most of the time.

I have to run to the bank and the post office, drop off avon books, then head to work. I was planning on being at the bank at 9 but I have hardly moved from my spot on the couch, and decided that I would just go before work, so I wouldn't have to make extra trips. ugh.

I need to make more money. I cannot survive on what I'm making, and now that my boyfriend is going to be laid off I need to make more money to help pay rent and buy food... he will be on unemployment until he finds a job, but if we can't afford to live here, he is moving back to vancouver... which is not something I'm looking forward to. :/

edit// okay so I'm so lucky. I will be able to avoid the overdraft fee. :) that makes me feel better, plus there was this video that cracked me up today. here is the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN5YbfFszlI&feature=fvw

so not a productive weekend

yesterday did not go even close to what I had planned, and today wasn't really any better, and my mood turned sour because I am going to get an over draft fee tomorrow. lame.

I get a few necklaces done and a few earrings, but no work on any bags, which makes me angry. this weekend feels like such a waste. I'm angry. I hate when I have a ton of stuff to do and don't get anything done. It's so frustrating.

other than not being productive, I was choking on something again and am now banning myself from eating "football food" on sundays.

tired

I woke with a headache that lasted most of the day. did a whole bunch of crappy errands... in the rain. hated it.

one good point... got the new moon illustrated movie companion and the bf got a vacuum cleaner. woohoo!! oh and even though errands took up most of my day, I still managed to make some jewelry, but no work on the bags. :/ I kind of hope no one comes over tomorrow, so I can make some more jewelry and bust out some serious work on my bags.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

my day with my Lisa

yesterday was a good day, until it came to sleep.

I hung out with my sister (by choice) Lisa. We went out to eat at thai chili, it was bomb. I love curry. :) then we came back and talked and watched role models (She has not seen blades of glory. That is one of my all time favorite movies. Sometimes I wonder how we are friends. lol.) and she told me about maris farms haunted woods, which I don't have the nerve to go to. lol. it was good times. I have missed hanging out with her. We are going to eat at olive garden next time, and we should hang out at her place, so she's not always coming over here. That was pretty much my whole day. :)

so it's done.

I have 6 other blogs. lol.

1. candy couture-exploring my creative journey.

2. beautifully broken wings - my path back to God

3. to do lists- literally my to do list for the day

4. recipe share - my lack of skill in the kitchen and me trying to remedy it.

5. quotes - random quotes from all over the place

6. I devour books - my book review/personal book club thing.

yup. I'm obsessed with blogging. I can't help it. there are too many things I want to share with the world. I wanted one extra blog. one blog to keep all my thoughts, but my thoughts are so scattered across the board I have a total of 8 blogs now. this one, those 6, and the one where I scream at people I'm mad at.

I'm insane. I know it. and I love it. i have a feeling one or more the blogs I just created will be lacking as time goes on, but I will do my best to keep it going strong.

so I noticed that I have lots of OCD tendencies. the one that really irritates me is the "start of the week/month/year" one. whenever I'm wanting to start something it always has to be at the beginning of something. I'm trying hard to rationalize with myself, which is why I started all the blogs now. I want to start something in the middle, the middle of the week, the middle of the month, the last part of the year. it's kind of driving me nuts right now. :/ oh well, it's done.

so I've been setting up my blogs and blogging for the last two and half hours, time for breakfast then whatever is on my to do list. lol. have a great day. :)

oh so obsessed...

I have officially become obsessed with blogging. I know I just started this one a few days ago and I have been a consistent blogger...but I love it. and I love reading other peoples blogs.

the funny thing is... I don't consider myself a people person, but I love hearing random things about other peoples lives. I love learning about new things and absorbing other cultures and seeing beauty as other people see it.

I am struggling with my faith right now. I have had all the tools since I was a young girl, but I haven't practiced. I don't do church, and partly because I think the churches I've gone to seem "dead" to me. I need a church where there are lively people and people on fire for God, and I just haven't found one yet, at least not one I can go to consistently. I found a church I would LOVE to join but I don't live anywhere near it. :/ I think this alone would make for a good blog so I'm going to make a third blog, the first to always remain private and my own, this one for anyone who is interested in following a lot of random things happening in my life and the third one to chronicle my way back to faith.

see, addicted. lol.

ultimately I would love to add three more blogs.

1 full of random quotes that I like for whatever reason from all types of media

2 full of my reviews of books/music

3 another journey, my creative one, getting my name out there in the fashion world.

we will see. I doubt with that many blogs I would have for living. lol.

I guess that will be all for today. laundry is calling my name and wants to be folded. :/

so yesterday...

I finally got my forbearance paid. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not.

I have laundry in the washing machine and don't have to worry about lunch because we have leftovers so my morning isn't too bad. I was freaking out this morning. I went to sleep on the couch at about 3:30 because I have a snoring problem and it was keeping my boyfriend awake. I never used to snore that bad, but it's been worse because my sinus problem had gotten worse. anyway, so I noticed it started to rain and it was really loud so it woke me up halfway, then I heard what I thought to be the sound of someone typing but really loud like right in my ear. I figured it was the rain hitting the window but then it got louder, which meant whatever it was it was getting closer to my head... so I bolted up and turned on the light on the other side of the couch... I'm pretty much blind without my glasses or contacts so of course I couldn't see anything, but I think I found the source of the noise. I have a bag of korean candy sitting on my table, all the candies are wrapped, but when I touched the bag it was the exact same noise, so me being me, I'm assuming it was a big spider. lol. In all honesty I have no idea what it was, but I'm avoiding that side of the couch now.

so that woke me up at about 6 this morning and I went back to bed at 7. I am definitely feeling the ick. so far I've kept it at bay, but if I don't get a major amount of good sleep in soon, it won't be long until the ick gets me. I do not want to get sick. I hate being sick. I have enough sinus problems as it is and being sick magnifies it by 1000.

I wanted to start walking in the mornings, and I know this doesn't make sense to anyone that knows me because I'm always cold and it's freezing outside. I have since scrapped the idea because it seems rainy season is already upon us. cold I can manage, cold and wet no way dude.

I'm thinking and hoping that I can get my butt off the couch and do some turbo jam today. or some wii fit. anything to get the blood pumping, but I'm very tired, it might have to wait until after work...either way I am doing one or both today. I'm tired of being fat and not feeling attractive. It doesn't help that I gain weight like pregnant ladies. :/

Ok, on to something less ugh. I'm almost finished reading "if you really loved me" by ann rule. this book is craziness. it's based on a real story that took place in CA in 1985. It's pretty darn good, but has taken me forever to finish. apparently Ann Rule used to work with Ted Bundy. She wrote a book about that and I want to read it.

Now on to something kinda crazy. So my cousin Sanghoon from Korea has been living here the past two years, the first 6 months or so he was living at my parents house, as was I and the boyfriend. So he usually checks in every week with my mom at church or what not, well my mom just went to Korea for two weeks and they were expecting a call because it was Chusok, which is basically like a Korean Thanksgiving, and didn't get one. My mom kept trying to get in touch with him for like two weeks before she left. so no one in the family has heard from him for a month, so we are all kind of freaking out. My parents drove by his place and his car was there but no one was home, they had a church member who lived nearby check on him too, and she said there were lights on but no one answered the door... my parents went back last night to check but I haven't heard anything from them yet. I'm kind of freaking out too. He was supposed to be going back to Korea with my mom, but then he found some type of internship and he wanted to see if he could get a job here. we have no idea what company or where or what he is doing. He was originally here to go to UW, but he had to take a bunch of course at TCC first, he finally got accepted but his parents couldn't afford the tuition plus whatever else they were paying for. My cousin was working and going to school. So after he found out he couldn't afford to go he was planning on going back to Korea then found this internship or whatever. so yeah. always some type of drama in my family. I will be updating about as soon as I find out what's going on.

edit// so my cousin is fine. he got a new phone which is why he wasn't answering his phone, and he wasn't calling my parents back because he hasn't been paying them money for car insurance because he lent money to a friend and hasn't been paid back yet, so I guess he was going to sell his car and get a cheaper one to pay my parents back, and he hadn't sold it yet, so was embarrassed to tell them. Idiot!!! If I was my mom I would've beat him, you know korean style like they do in dramas. just keep calling him pabo(stupid) and slap him upside the head. lol.

blog background...

so I tried to use this blog background and it didn't fit, so I tried to use another one but the html was not right...ugh. they were both super duper cute. maybe if I ever find the time I will make my own.

today was pretty uneventful. watched my niece, who cried all day and wouldn't sleep all day. :/ then came home and yeah. lol. I'm tired and kinda wished I had the rest of the week off. I'm starting to feel under the weather and am in need of lots of extra sleep.

I was super excited for this weekend, because we were going to go down to vancouver, and I was finally going to get burgerville, but now we aren't going and I'm slightly disappointed. :( we might go to the Spooner Farm pumpkin patch but we will see.

New albums I can't wait to get.

memento mori - flyleaf

ellipse - imogen heap

brand new eyes - paramore

crazy love - michael buble

forget and not slow down - reliant k

kaleidoscope - tiesto

I need money. :(

So I will probably be on the phone all day trying to get through to salliemae and make my stupid forbearance payment. paying money so I won't have to pay my loans for 3 months...doesn't make a whole lot of sense but I have no other options.

Today was a slow day. I feel like it should be bedtime and it's only 6:23. lol.

I was freezing at work all day. need to wear thicker socks, and bring a jacket. my boss was fine in a t-shirt...she is pregnant though...

I'm tired. tomorrow I am baby-sitting my niece and going to the parents to hook up a dvd player, and need to stop by the bank.

I am fighting so hard to not get the ick. I have my odwalla wellness and superfood, and am taking extra vitamin c.

I'm done now. my thoughts are coming in far apart and I keep having to re-type my words because I'm that tired. lol.

Football!!!

Okay, not really going to talk about football... but it's football sunday.

I should really be in church right now, but we haven't actively gone out to find one yet. my boyfriend keeps saying if we find a good one he will go, but yeah. we have a church we both really like but it is down in Vancouver, so that really isn't working out. I hope we do find our way down there someday. I really love the area.

I am exhausted.

We have people coming over to watch the hawks game at one, so the boyfriend is out getting pizza and I am cleaning/facebooking/blogging. We really need a vacuum cleaner. the one we have we got from my parents, who got it at a garage sale, and the part where the hose connects to the vacuum is broken so instead of sucking stuff up, it picks it up and spits back out like 2 feet later. :/ I found one I like but have no money to buy it. not having money sucks. I would like to get stuff for sandwiches for lunch but I have like $19 bucks left and my nephews birthday was yesterday so I want to give him some money, sadly only $10 bucks, so I will have to find something else for lunches. I mean it's not like we don't have food, but it's all frozen stuff that I have to cook and blah blah blah. sandwiches are easy.

So I have part of my tote done, at least it's done for now. I am really having a hard time being creative lately. :/ I am scraping the tote for now. I will have to come back to it once I find my creative spirit again, hopefully soon. I have some new ideas for jewelry...just need to actually make it, but have not been in the mood. I am going to get everything ready for my small drawstring bag, but I'm not going to sew it today, just cut it out and embroider it. it's going to be a cute cupcake. I also have some patches that I have made, which were originally going to be fabric bookmarks but I scraped that too, so now I will just make a few more patches, and then put them on a tote. so totally original. all of my totes and drawstring bags will be one of a kind, well, I think some of the designs will be similar, like the cupcake thing will probably be done a few times, but it will be different colors each time, and since they are going to be hand embroidered they won't be the same either, plus I will add rhinestones and other things...but there will never be two that are exactly the same. I think it's a good idea because I'm tired of buying stuff that everyone else has/wears. I love being an individual, and I want people to embrace what makes them, them. I want people to stand out and be different. and I think my tote bags will accomplish that. :)

I hope we find a church, but it is football season so it will be tough to get him out of the house. wish me luck. and it you have suggestions let me know. I am looking for a christian church, preferably baptist roots, but I'm not too picky about that. as long as they preach what's in the bible I'm good. :)

Random realization...

so high school was about 7 years ago...by the way I'm only awake this early on Saturday because my back hurts, I actually got up about 2 hours ago...and 7 years ago this would be the time I would usually be walking through my front door from partying.

wow.

I struggle trying to stay up till midnight now. lol. I have recently been in touch with my PIC, it's been quite awhile since we have hung out, and we talked about how back then if we wanted to meet up and hang out we would call and and be doing something 20 minutes later, and now we have to schedule time to see each other like weeks out. lol. it's just crazy how much things change. I know we all have to grow up but back then I figured I could still be doing the same things now that I was doing back without a problem. I'm sure the fact that I've been in a 5 year relationship drastically changed all of that, because I was single for the last half of high school and having my fun going out to clubs and flirting and obviously that doesn't appeal to you once you find yourself in a relationship...or at least it shouldn't. lol.

Sometimes I feel really old, and really lame. I feel like my party girl has completely disappeared, but then every once in awhile...she comes back and begs me to go out...which I usually don't, but it's kind of nice to know that I haven't lost her completely, and that someday I can let her loose on the world once again, hopefully sooner rather than later. :P (edit/ not at all meaning that I will be single, but that I will find a way to let some careless fun back into my life, because right now I'm too stressed and broke for it)

Friday! :)

Ha! I'm back...so far so good. lol.

So...my boyfriend works for the state and there is a big possibility he will be laid off in November. If he is laid off without finding another job like right then, he will be moving back to Vancouver and I will be moving back in with my parents. Obviously that would make everyone involved, except maybe his grandma, miserable. I unfortunately do not work full-time and would not be able to make the rent. As you can imagine we have been really stressed out, and it's not just recently it's been pretty much since we moved out. Money has become the big irritant in our relationship because I don't make enough to do more than pay off my credit card bills and buy some gas. I really don't want to have to do the long distance relationship thing, because it really took a toll on me emotionally, but maybe it could be a good thing. I mean he basically has a job down there if he wants it, and it would give me time to pay off my credit card debt and save up money without feeling pressured and without feeling bad because I can't contribute to rent and other things. It would be very hard to not be living with my boyfriend, and I really don't want it to come to that, but I'm just trying to see some kind of silver lining in this situation...so I won't go crazy.

On a similar note...I hate credit cards. Once these bad boys are paid off they are gone. It's really sad that I have credit card debt but if I didn't have them I wouldn't have gotten through school. It was so expensive, and you never knew what would come up that you would need money for and I couldn't just expect my parents to have $300 dollars right then so I could buy fabric and whatever else I needed. *sigh* all that money spent and I am not doing anything with my degree. I don't regret going to school, but I regret things about it, like I should've taken all of my general education classes at community college first...and I shouldn't have slacked off so bad that one quarter because it caused me to fail two classes because the finals for those classes went hand in hand...

On a different note...I'm totally addicted to so many shows right now. I freaking love big bang theory, modern family, cougar town and flash forward & I've been watching reruns of numbers...I like it. Shows that I'm still feeling but not loving include how I met your mother, and grey's anatomy. They have been sadly disappointing so far this season. Shows that I want to watch, but haven't/don't because they are on at the same time as shows I love...glee, gossip girl, vampire diaries, parks and recreations, the office and private practice & project runway (because I'm already in bed.)

Today has just been a weird kind of day. I've felt happy, sad, worried, bored, excited. I've been all over the board today. lol. I'm glad it's the weekend because I need to relax, of course knowing me I won't be able to and I will try to get too many things done and by the time the weekend is over I won't feel like I relaxed at all and probably won't have anything finished that I started. lol. But that's my life. :)

Welcome!

So, I already have a blog, but I mainly use it when I get frustrated so I can secretly yell at whoever I'm mad at. It's basically just a space where I can let off some steam when I'm having a bad day and a place where I can "think things out loud", without the fear of judgement.

I am starting this blog because I have gotten in touch with a lot of old friends and have met a bunch of new friends, and I guess I just want everyone to see what I'm all about. I have changed a lot since my school days, and I have learned a lot about life and myself, but I feel like my life is really just beginning...and that I'm just now starting to find out who I really am and who I really want to be and I have a feeling it will be an amazing journey, with lots of good stories, friends, bumps, and fun along the way. I am planning to update daily and have picture once in awhile, but as life usually does, it tend to get in the way of things, so we shall see.

Here is a little blurb about me.

I have a Bachelors Degree in Fashion Design which is not being used at this moment. I work for Farmers Insurance as an agency producer, not an agent, it's similar but different. I am making jewelry and selling it online at www.artfire.com/users/candycouture. I am hoping to make enough money from my jewelry to move into clothing, but for now it's jewelry and whatever else I have time and money to come up with. I have a black cat named Chiyo-Chan. I named her after an anime character from Azumanga Daioh, because she was cute. Azumanga gets really weird towards the end. Obviously I like anime and manga. I will forever love the same things I loved when I was 8, this included hello kitty, fruit roll ups, cereal with marshmallows, and whatever else reminds of the simpleness of being a kid. :)

I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. I heart him! I met him online when I was in high school and we were friends for like 2 or 3 years, before we finally met and fell madly in love. He doesn't like the cat so much but lets her stick around because of me. I love books!!! I devour them!! If a book catches my interest in the beginning, I can't put it down. Yes, I have read the twilight series, yes I loved it, but luckily I love books enough that I can read others one and still find them fascinating. Twilight did not ruin me, but I was sad when I finally came to realize that Edward was not real. It's okay though, I have my Kyung and he's way better anyway. I love all kinds of book, and really want to read some about cowboys...it probably stems from my obsession with farming games, yes I have all the ones of facebook, but I also have several harvest moon games. I am beyond a fan of music. Without music my life would be empty. I can always find a song that fits my mood and lyrics that speak to what I'm feeling or going through. I like almost all genres of music, but country is hard for me to digest. Music makes my soul smile. Do not be too surprised to see a book review or a list of what I'm currently listening to. I love to share my passions! :)

So I guess that wasn't so little, but sometimes I just get going and can't stop. Also, sometimes my thoughts don't get completed...so it's just a random sentence that doesn't really fit anywhere. I will try to fix that, but my mind is almost always running a mile a minute...on that note...

Let the journey begin! :)