I think I have packed about a third of my stuff.
today hasn't been so hard. the more I'm packing my things away the emptier and less "home-like" the apartment is becoming. and this might be mean, but I hope once all of my stuff is gone he feels how empty it is. it's not that I want him to suffer, but I want him to feel something, I want him to feel a fraction of the heartache I'm feeling.
Monday, December 28, 2009
wow
sometimes my train of thought amazes me.
slowly feel like i'm going crazy. can't stop thinking about everything. finally feeling something but it's bad. totally falling apart at the seams.
this is really it. this is really the end. I shouldn't hold out hope of us ever getting back together because in the end i'm just setting myself up for more heartache.
who knows. maybe you really do still love me. or maybe you have already moved on to something better. either way, I have to find a way to survive without you. I have to find a way to let you go so that we can still be friends without me freaking out over every little thing.
I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, dreams, and life and find a way to make it through.
of course, I have no idea how I'm going to do any of those things. you were my rock for the last five years. I learned a lot of valuable things from you, I was only learning new things from you because you are so much smarter than I am. I will miss that. I will miss you correcting me all the time. I will miss your sense of logic. I will miss everything. the good and the bad.
I want to hold out hope that things might not be so final, but you have given me none. which is what you should do. here is the irony in that. you said you were tired of being my crutch, and yet here you are doing what you can do to help me let go. it's bittersweet.
i want to go back to being numb. numb was well numb.
I don't like to feel anymore.
slowly feel like i'm going crazy. can't stop thinking about everything. finally feeling something but it's bad. totally falling apart at the seams.
this is really it. this is really the end. I shouldn't hold out hope of us ever getting back together because in the end i'm just setting myself up for more heartache.
who knows. maybe you really do still love me. or maybe you have already moved on to something better. either way, I have to find a way to survive without you. I have to find a way to let you go so that we can still be friends without me freaking out over every little thing.
I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, dreams, and life and find a way to make it through.
of course, I have no idea how I'm going to do any of those things. you were my rock for the last five years. I learned a lot of valuable things from you, I was only learning new things from you because you are so much smarter than I am. I will miss that. I will miss you correcting me all the time. I will miss your sense of logic. I will miss everything. the good and the bad.
I want to hold out hope that things might not be so final, but you have given me none. which is what you should do. here is the irony in that. you said you were tired of being my crutch, and yet here you are doing what you can do to help me let go. it's bittersweet.
i want to go back to being numb. numb was well numb.
I don't like to feel anymore.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
numb
i'm so numb right now.
its hard to know that the only time I have left with him is just me packing up my stuff.
I don't even think this is hard on him. I just think he can't wait until I leave. that hurts.
almost five years of my life has been devoted to him and it's hard for me to see how easy it is for him to let go. he once said that once he stops himself from feeling whatever for people that's the end. I wonder if this is the same. I wonder if I should be holding out any hope of ever having a life with him again, or if I should truly give up and try to move on.
I feel like I'm stupid or something. holding out hope to get back with someone who broke up with me.
i'm either numb or sad. that is all i am able to feel right now and both options suck.
I was trying to pack up the back room and I was going through the wii games trying to figure out which ones were mine and which ones were okay for me to take. then i found all of the pictures we have taken over our 5 years together and I had to try so hard not to cry. does any of this affect him?
the hardest part of this whole thing is that almost everything we bought was for us. for our life together and trying to separate it out is killing me. instead of sentimental value it comes down to who actually paid for it. and of course he paid for most of the good stuff, most of the sentimental stuff. and so he keeps it. and i'm left feeling empty.
it saddens me to say that after five years with him, i don't know how i will ever live without him. I know everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to believe that there is a good reason for this. I'm trying to stay positive. I know that in time I will heal but my wounds are so fresh right now and every little thing that pulls emotion from me feels like someone is pouring salt in my wounds.
i knew this would be hard, but i didn't know it would be so crushing.
I also feel like i was blindsided. i feel like it came out of nowhere and it kind of did. he led me to believe that everything was fine up until the point he told me he couldn't do this anymore. yes, he gave me chances to change and i didn't. but i figured if he loved me enough he would continue to support me...but that wasn't the case. the face that i didn't try tore him apart inside to the point of resentment. and this is where it lead. I should have known better. I should have realized sooner. I regret not trying. its the biggest regret I will ever have, because it feels like it cost me everything.
its hard to know that the only time I have left with him is just me packing up my stuff.
I don't even think this is hard on him. I just think he can't wait until I leave. that hurts.
almost five years of my life has been devoted to him and it's hard for me to see how easy it is for him to let go. he once said that once he stops himself from feeling whatever for people that's the end. I wonder if this is the same. I wonder if I should be holding out any hope of ever having a life with him again, or if I should truly give up and try to move on.
I feel like I'm stupid or something. holding out hope to get back with someone who broke up with me.
i'm either numb or sad. that is all i am able to feel right now and both options suck.
I was trying to pack up the back room and I was going through the wii games trying to figure out which ones were mine and which ones were okay for me to take. then i found all of the pictures we have taken over our 5 years together and I had to try so hard not to cry. does any of this affect him?
the hardest part of this whole thing is that almost everything we bought was for us. for our life together and trying to separate it out is killing me. instead of sentimental value it comes down to who actually paid for it. and of course he paid for most of the good stuff, most of the sentimental stuff. and so he keeps it. and i'm left feeling empty.
it saddens me to say that after five years with him, i don't know how i will ever live without him. I know everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to believe that there is a good reason for this. I'm trying to stay positive. I know that in time I will heal but my wounds are so fresh right now and every little thing that pulls emotion from me feels like someone is pouring salt in my wounds.
i knew this would be hard, but i didn't know it would be so crushing.
I also feel like i was blindsided. i feel like it came out of nowhere and it kind of did. he led me to believe that everything was fine up until the point he told me he couldn't do this anymore. yes, he gave me chances to change and i didn't. but i figured if he loved me enough he would continue to support me...but that wasn't the case. the face that i didn't try tore him apart inside to the point of resentment. and this is where it lead. I should have known better. I should have realized sooner. I regret not trying. its the biggest regret I will ever have, because it feels like it cost me everything.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
now i'm just pissed.
he was the one who started to pull away from the relationship first. he was the one who made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells and who started being on the computer all the time first. he has always been the one who is always on the computer for as long as i can remember.
he is the one who always chooses friends over me. he is the one who is always chatting online with someone. always texting people. he will talk on the phone with other people but not me.
I'm fucking tired of not being first in his life. maybe I should just call is quits. I don't want to live my life being number 2. everyone gets put before me. he can be so nice to everyone else but then is a completely dick to me. he can go out of his way for other people but not me. he thinks about other peoples feelings but not mine.
I don't know if I want to work this out anymore...
there are things I need to change, but there are things he needs to change too, and we have talked about them at length and he goes along with it for a week or two, but then it's the same thing.
I put in effort after the last talk we had. I would turn off my computer and hope to have a conversation but then two minutes later he would turn his on.
I'm fucking tired of being the one to put in effort. because honestly, he really doesn't at all. maybe if he spent all the time he does talking to other people, and talked to me half as much as them, things wouldn't be so bad. but he doesn't even try anymore and he expects me to change? that's bullshit.
a relationship is a two way street. if you're done putting in the work, then why should I still be trying? it's not okay.
we really need to talk because the more I sit here and think about it closer I am to calling it quits.
he is the one who always chooses friends over me. he is the one who is always chatting online with someone. always texting people. he will talk on the phone with other people but not me.
I'm fucking tired of not being first in his life. maybe I should just call is quits. I don't want to live my life being number 2. everyone gets put before me. he can be so nice to everyone else but then is a completely dick to me. he can go out of his way for other people but not me. he thinks about other peoples feelings but not mine.
I don't know if I want to work this out anymore...
there are things I need to change, but there are things he needs to change too, and we have talked about them at length and he goes along with it for a week or two, but then it's the same thing.
I put in effort after the last talk we had. I would turn off my computer and hope to have a conversation but then two minutes later he would turn his on.
I'm fucking tired of being the one to put in effort. because honestly, he really doesn't at all. maybe if he spent all the time he does talking to other people, and talked to me half as much as them, things wouldn't be so bad. but he doesn't even try anymore and he expects me to change? that's bullshit.
a relationship is a two way street. if you're done putting in the work, then why should I still be trying? it's not okay.
we really need to talk because the more I sit here and think about it closer I am to calling it quits.
wow.
I don't even know what to think anymore.
at this point in time, right now, I feel like I could care less if all was said and done.
but I know tomorrow I will feel differently.
I just wish I knew what was going through his head. what he was feeling.
he completely removed his relationship status...at least it didn't change to single, but this seems just as bad.
he wouldn't really have me come down for christmas if he was going to break up with me would he? I mean that just seems cruel...and I know at times he can be mean...but not like this.
I just need clarification on where we stand because it's driving me nuts. I have to wait at least a day maybe more depending on when he feels like talking about it.
*sigh*
why does love have to get so complicated? why can't it just be simple? why does life have to get in the way and ruin things? it doesn't seem fair.
I think I need a drink.
at this point in time, right now, I feel like I could care less if all was said and done.
but I know tomorrow I will feel differently.
I just wish I knew what was going through his head. what he was feeling.
he completely removed his relationship status...at least it didn't change to single, but this seems just as bad.
he wouldn't really have me come down for christmas if he was going to break up with me would he? I mean that just seems cruel...and I know at times he can be mean...but not like this.
I just need clarification on where we stand because it's driving me nuts. I have to wait at least a day maybe more depending on when he feels like talking about it.
*sigh*
why does love have to get so complicated? why can't it just be simple? why does life have to get in the way and ruin things? it doesn't seem fair.
I think I need a drink.
Monday, December 21, 2009
twilight soundtrack
totally obsessed with it. :) I haven't gotten my hands on it until recently and now that I have it I can't stop listening to it. need to put in my ipod.
I also need to burn some new cds for the drive down to vancouver...maybe. it depends on how my boyfriends grandma is doing.
so luckily I got paid enough at my job to pay for the voluntary forberance on my private education loans...again. I really wish I had the money to just pay the damn loan off...I hope this is the last time I will have to do it this way.
I hate my job. I always have to ask my boss questions and since she's still not in the office, I have to wait until she calls me back. it's really annoying. I've been waiting for her to call back since like 12:40 and it's 2:14. can't really get my job done when I have to wait... and of course still no cleaning supplies. awesome!
I am praying fiercely for this new job. I need it! I'm sending over my resume later today. I need to get together a list of references.
bleh. I want today to end. I'm lucky I got paid today because I have 5.34 left in my account after having to buy drano today. stupid hair clogged the drain and I can't get in under the stopper thing to get it out...lame. of all the things I need money for drain cleaner...not on the list.
I'm tired of being poor and barely being able to keep up with my bills. it's a horrid feeling that needs to go away. I have started to fill out some applications for other jobs just in case I don't get this one, but I'm praying that I do! it's like the perfect amount of money, perfect amount of hours plus I only have to commute 4 days and get a three day weekend every week. talk about awesome.
now...I just need to get it and I'm set. :)
things will be so much better if I get this job. I can even give my parents some money for my insurance, or car payment, or cell phone bill. (they are currently paying all of that for me)
I will have a lil bit of money left after paying all my bills. about 100 bucks but I'm sure it will be gone after I stock the fridge. man food is expensive. or I will give some to my boyfriend for whatever. rent. even though that's not even an eighth of the rent. see...ugh. I'm constantly thinking money, money, money and how to manage the little tiny bit that I get. it sucks. at least if I get this job I will be able to actually save some money. I'm sure my savings account will appreciate that since it's been empty for a long time.
anyway. I'm tired of talking about that crap. lets move on.
so I'm currently reading a catcher in the rye...it's lame. probably the worst book i've read in a long time...but I'm going to finish reading it so I can say I read it. than I'm going to read the grapes of wrath. I tried to read a steinbeck book before...east of eden or something and I stopped shortly after chapter 2. I will have to revisit that one as well, if I can find it.
I also need to read the bible. I have never read the whole thing. I am going to try the read through the bible in a year. it will be interesting. I think my thoughts on that will end up in my "finding my way back to god" blog, because I have enough stuff in my life to talk about here.
I'm totally going to go home and watch twilight tonight. lol. I keep seeing parts of the movie when I listen to the soundtrack. it's kind of weird. I tried to re-read twilight and was having a very hard time. I had to put it away. I don't know if I'm just past the books because the movies have been so good or what, but I'm finding bella in the book to be very annoying and boring. I want to punch her. lol.
*whew* the power went out for second while I was bloggin, but it saved it where I stopped. awesome.
yeah I'm getting kind of tired of reading kid/fantasy books. I think I'm going to go back to romance for awhile or thriller. I need to hit up all about books soon and get some new used books.
so since the boyfriend has been gone, I finished season 2, 3, and 4 of weeds. I cannot wait until season 5 comes out in january! I will have gossip girl season 2 finished some time this week. then I don't know what I will watch. maybe start over nip/tuck once I get those back from dru.
I think I am going to buy wii fit plus tomorrow. I've been wanting it for awhile and I'm finally committing myself to exercising. it will be nice to have it for the days when the weather is horrid, or days when I have a hard time getting out of bed let alone going to the gym. plus I heard it's fun. I don't know though. we will see. there are few other things I really want to buy myself...I will have to narrow it down to one and only buy the one this month. don't want to stretch myself too thin.
I'm really freaking bored right now. work is dead. i still have about an hour and 20 mins until I get to go home.
I have some present wrapping to do when I get home as well as some cleaning and cooking. fun times. I also need to possibly start to pack for the trip down.
you know what I'm looking forward to the most once I get this job? contacts. I cannot wait until I get to wear contacts again. lol. the whole glasses thing with the rain and cooking...not fun. speaking of cooking, I might have to pick up some cookie mix so I won't be heading down empty-handed... I don't really want to make them though but no gifts this year. too poor. maybe I will wait until after Christmas to get wii fit plus. I might get some money or something from my folks.
I do know that I am getting harry potter finally! so I might just do a harry potter weekend marathon if I don't go down. that would be nice.
If i had my own business, i would be closed from thursday until new years... unfortunately...i have to work christmas eve then the next week and new years eve. lame. well, I guess since I don't get paid for holidays maybe it's not so bad. dang. that is two days off of my paycheck this next pay period. crap. maybe I won't be spending anything. I think I will just be paying my bills and buying a tiny bit of food.
good times.
so of course after emailing the boyfriend the email of death...not really, but the "we need to talk" email, he hasn't mentioned it. and so it goes. that is how we do things apparently. we will talk once we are face to face. I am thinking things might be okay, but I just don't know how he feels about me anymore. we shall see. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I have no idea what is going through his mind because it will drive me crazy. hence, all the dvd watching. lol.
I am totally not in the Christmas spirit this year. it has finally evaded me. I think it was fading last year but it's definitly not here now. I love Christmas, but not this year. I think money is an issue plus all the family issues...boyfriend issues. it's just not a jolly time in my life right now. I'm kind of sad that I'm not in the mood for Christmas. :(
okay so my favorite songs to listen to at the moment:
flightless bird/american mouth - iron and wine
eye's on fire - blue foundation
full moon- the black ghosts
(yes, they are on the twilight soundtrack, that is all I'm listening to today)
okay this is ridiciously long so I'm done. lol.
I also need to burn some new cds for the drive down to vancouver...maybe. it depends on how my boyfriends grandma is doing.
so luckily I got paid enough at my job to pay for the voluntary forberance on my private education loans...again. I really wish I had the money to just pay the damn loan off...I hope this is the last time I will have to do it this way.
I hate my job. I always have to ask my boss questions and since she's still not in the office, I have to wait until she calls me back. it's really annoying. I've been waiting for her to call back since like 12:40 and it's 2:14. can't really get my job done when I have to wait... and of course still no cleaning supplies. awesome!
I am praying fiercely for this new job. I need it! I'm sending over my resume later today. I need to get together a list of references.
bleh. I want today to end. I'm lucky I got paid today because I have 5.34 left in my account after having to buy drano today. stupid hair clogged the drain and I can't get in under the stopper thing to get it out...lame. of all the things I need money for drain cleaner...not on the list.
I'm tired of being poor and barely being able to keep up with my bills. it's a horrid feeling that needs to go away. I have started to fill out some applications for other jobs just in case I don't get this one, but I'm praying that I do! it's like the perfect amount of money, perfect amount of hours plus I only have to commute 4 days and get a three day weekend every week. talk about awesome.
now...I just need to get it and I'm set. :)
things will be so much better if I get this job. I can even give my parents some money for my insurance, or car payment, or cell phone bill. (they are currently paying all of that for me)
I will have a lil bit of money left after paying all my bills. about 100 bucks but I'm sure it will be gone after I stock the fridge. man food is expensive. or I will give some to my boyfriend for whatever. rent. even though that's not even an eighth of the rent. see...ugh. I'm constantly thinking money, money, money and how to manage the little tiny bit that I get. it sucks. at least if I get this job I will be able to actually save some money. I'm sure my savings account will appreciate that since it's been empty for a long time.
anyway. I'm tired of talking about that crap. lets move on.
so I'm currently reading a catcher in the rye...it's lame. probably the worst book i've read in a long time...but I'm going to finish reading it so I can say I read it. than I'm going to read the grapes of wrath. I tried to read a steinbeck book before...east of eden or something and I stopped shortly after chapter 2. I will have to revisit that one as well, if I can find it.
I also need to read the bible. I have never read the whole thing. I am going to try the read through the bible in a year. it will be interesting. I think my thoughts on that will end up in my "finding my way back to god" blog, because I have enough stuff in my life to talk about here.
I'm totally going to go home and watch twilight tonight. lol. I keep seeing parts of the movie when I listen to the soundtrack. it's kind of weird. I tried to re-read twilight and was having a very hard time. I had to put it away. I don't know if I'm just past the books because the movies have been so good or what, but I'm finding bella in the book to be very annoying and boring. I want to punch her. lol.
*whew* the power went out for second while I was bloggin, but it saved it where I stopped. awesome.
yeah I'm getting kind of tired of reading kid/fantasy books. I think I'm going to go back to romance for awhile or thriller. I need to hit up all about books soon and get some new used books.
so since the boyfriend has been gone, I finished season 2, 3, and 4 of weeds. I cannot wait until season 5 comes out in january! I will have gossip girl season 2 finished some time this week. then I don't know what I will watch. maybe start over nip/tuck once I get those back from dru.
I think I am going to buy wii fit plus tomorrow. I've been wanting it for awhile and I'm finally committing myself to exercising. it will be nice to have it for the days when the weather is horrid, or days when I have a hard time getting out of bed let alone going to the gym. plus I heard it's fun. I don't know though. we will see. there are few other things I really want to buy myself...I will have to narrow it down to one and only buy the one this month. don't want to stretch myself too thin.
I'm really freaking bored right now. work is dead. i still have about an hour and 20 mins until I get to go home.
I have some present wrapping to do when I get home as well as some cleaning and cooking. fun times. I also need to possibly start to pack for the trip down.
you know what I'm looking forward to the most once I get this job? contacts. I cannot wait until I get to wear contacts again. lol. the whole glasses thing with the rain and cooking...not fun. speaking of cooking, I might have to pick up some cookie mix so I won't be heading down empty-handed... I don't really want to make them though but no gifts this year. too poor. maybe I will wait until after Christmas to get wii fit plus. I might get some money or something from my folks.
I do know that I am getting harry potter finally! so I might just do a harry potter weekend marathon if I don't go down. that would be nice.
If i had my own business, i would be closed from thursday until new years... unfortunately...i have to work christmas eve then the next week and new years eve. lame. well, I guess since I don't get paid for holidays maybe it's not so bad. dang. that is two days off of my paycheck this next pay period. crap. maybe I won't be spending anything. I think I will just be paying my bills and buying a tiny bit of food.
good times.
so of course after emailing the boyfriend the email of death...not really, but the "we need to talk" email, he hasn't mentioned it. and so it goes. that is how we do things apparently. we will talk once we are face to face. I am thinking things might be okay, but I just don't know how he feels about me anymore. we shall see. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I have no idea what is going through his mind because it will drive me crazy. hence, all the dvd watching. lol.
I am totally not in the Christmas spirit this year. it has finally evaded me. I think it was fading last year but it's definitly not here now. I love Christmas, but not this year. I think money is an issue plus all the family issues...boyfriend issues. it's just not a jolly time in my life right now. I'm kind of sad that I'm not in the mood for Christmas. :(
okay so my favorite songs to listen to at the moment:
flightless bird/american mouth - iron and wine
eye's on fire - blue foundation
full moon- the black ghosts
(yes, they are on the twilight soundtrack, that is all I'm listening to today)
okay this is ridiciously long so I'm done. lol.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
hmm...
so I laid it all on the line through an email. maybe not the best way but it was the only way that would work right now.
I have had no response which I expected but it still sucks not knowing what is going through his mind.
I am numb.
I have had no response which I expected but it still sucks not knowing what is going through his mind.
I am numb.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
wow
i'm tired.
finished my christmas shopping today. the mall was an absolute zoo. I will make sure to get my christmas shopping done early next year. lol.
tomorrow: cleaning the bathroom, and cleaning the back room. did not get it done today.
I'm stressed.
If things work out the way I hope... then things in my life might finally fall into place.
it's hard to put all of your hope in one thing, especially when it's not certain. but I am hoping and praying to God that this one thing works out so that I can have freedom.
finished my christmas shopping today. the mall was an absolute zoo. I will make sure to get my christmas shopping done early next year. lol.
tomorrow: cleaning the bathroom, and cleaning the back room. did not get it done today.
I'm stressed.
If things work out the way I hope... then things in my life might finally fall into place.
it's hard to put all of your hope in one thing, especially when it's not certain. but I am hoping and praying to God that this one thing works out so that I can have freedom.
my night...
I was dead tired but could not sleep last night...so what did I do? I started watching season two of gossip girls and stayed up until 3:30 am!! lol. my sleep schedule is so jacked!
plans for today: clean kitchen, bathroom and backroom. going shopping with lisa at 1. that is my day. I haven't been to a mall in ages!! at least not for random shopping, usually I just go in to whatever store, get what I want and leave. lol. I'm hoping to score some of those awesome holiday almonds they usually sell at the mall. they are so yumtastic! oh and to see if bath and body works still has the sun-ripened raspberry and country apple stuff...puyallup didn't have any of the older scents at their store when I went there.
will be back to update as the day goes on.
plans for today: clean kitchen, bathroom and backroom. going shopping with lisa at 1. that is my day. I haven't been to a mall in ages!! at least not for random shopping, usually I just go in to whatever store, get what I want and leave. lol. I'm hoping to score some of those awesome holiday almonds they usually sell at the mall. they are so yumtastic! oh and to see if bath and body works still has the sun-ripened raspberry and country apple stuff...puyallup didn't have any of the older scents at their store when I went there.
will be back to update as the day goes on.
Friday, December 18, 2009
bah humbug!
I am so not in the mood for the holidays! I just want them to pass and I want the new year to start.
the boyfriend is out of town and I'm going crazy. I was okay the first two days but today was horrible. at least I had a few hours of distraction when pamela and hayden came over. that boy is loud, but cute!
bleh.
so my boyfriend posted something about losing himself on facebook today, which is kind of funny because I've been feeling the same thing.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night and we were discussing change. and I told him every five years it's like I'm re-finding myself again because every five years you have big life changes. when your five you finally become like a little human being. you can hold really good conversations with adults and etc. then comes ten. you are a totally different person than you were when you were five. you have more friends your in school, it's awkward. when you turn 15...well everyone remembers what it's like being 15. lol. also awkward. 20..you are born to party. 25..you have kind of partied your way out of partying and are starting to become an actual adult. 30...etc. every five years a big change.
unfortunately for me I turned 26 but instead of feeling like I'm headed toward a big change...the big 30..the married/kids/career age...I feel like I have taken a step backwards.
I feel broken.
my relationship, which is one of the most important things in my life is broken. we are broken in so many ways and it doesn't seem like we will ever get back to where we used to be...but are we supposed to? aren't we supposed to change and grow? I think the problem for us is that we have seemed to grow and change at different times and in different ways and we can't seem to get back on track and grow and change together. I think we have hit a critical time. we are still finding out more about ourselves and we have grown and changed together over the last five years, it's time for us to grow and change within ourselves and figure out who we are again or find ourselves again. I have hope that we will find our path again and be better than ever. I have hope that this year will be the year that brings the changes to our lives that we need in order to grow and maintain our relationship. I have hope that we will outlast this bump in the road.
I have hope.
the boyfriend is out of town and I'm going crazy. I was okay the first two days but today was horrible. at least I had a few hours of distraction when pamela and hayden came over. that boy is loud, but cute!
bleh.
so my boyfriend posted something about losing himself on facebook today, which is kind of funny because I've been feeling the same thing.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night and we were discussing change. and I told him every five years it's like I'm re-finding myself again because every five years you have big life changes. when your five you finally become like a little human being. you can hold really good conversations with adults and etc. then comes ten. you are a totally different person than you were when you were five. you have more friends your in school, it's awkward. when you turn 15...well everyone remembers what it's like being 15. lol. also awkward. 20..you are born to party. 25..you have kind of partied your way out of partying and are starting to become an actual adult. 30...etc. every five years a big change.
unfortunately for me I turned 26 but instead of feeling like I'm headed toward a big change...the big 30..the married/kids/career age...I feel like I have taken a step backwards.
I feel broken.
my relationship, which is one of the most important things in my life is broken. we are broken in so many ways and it doesn't seem like we will ever get back to where we used to be...but are we supposed to? aren't we supposed to change and grow? I think the problem for us is that we have seemed to grow and change at different times and in different ways and we can't seem to get back on track and grow and change together. I think we have hit a critical time. we are still finding out more about ourselves and we have grown and changed together over the last five years, it's time for us to grow and change within ourselves and figure out who we are again or find ourselves again. I have hope that we will find our path again and be better than ever. I have hope that this year will be the year that brings the changes to our lives that we need in order to grow and maintain our relationship. I have hope that we will outlast this bump in the road.
I have hope.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
new obession
lucerne yogurt.
so far my favorite flavors are yumberry grapefruit, bartlett pear mangosteen, and passion orange pineapple. the only one I dislike is the gogi apple. has no flavor.
so far my favorite flavors are yumberry grapefruit, bartlett pear mangosteen, and passion orange pineapple. the only one I dislike is the gogi apple. has no flavor.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
apparently....
this will be a monthly blog?
I will try to aim for weekly. a lot happens in my life and after a month, well things get confusing.
so...saw new moon on my birthday with Lisa! awesome! minus the like 9 year old boys behind us, clearly dragged by the rest of the family, who were talking super loud!!
the boyfriend got laid off.
I turned 26.
I think those are all the major points. lol.
I am not a fan of the holidays this year. I skipped thanksgiving with my family to spend it with his because I thought his sister and her kids were going to be down and we see them like 1 or 2 times a year, but they came early and left before then. so that sucked, because apparently this is one of the first years in a long time that it was just family. no neighbors, no church people, just family. kinda bummed about that.
not looking forward to christmas. well, not looking forward to the travelling for christmas. maybe i will skip christmas with his family this year and just watch movies with my parents or something nice and quite. who knows at this point.
I finally got my christmas cards out. that took some time. but they are done, except for two because I haven't gotten address from them yet.
I guess it's a little bit early. but i'm thinking about my goals for this next year. one is to find a job that I can afford to work at. I like my job but I just don't work enough hours and don't get paid enough to survive off it. that will be interesting to tackle when it comes time to talk with the boss about that. a second goal of mine is to use my time more wisely. I have cut back on the facebooking, but I'm still on the computer a lot. I need to be more productive this next year, especially if I really want to get my business off the ground. In fact I'm going to make a plan. I have already gotten new business cards, actually cards. step two would be to re-vamp the website, step three go through what I have left and pick what to sell and what to reuse. step four, some kind of productivity plan for the new year. then of course stick to the plan and get some sales. I would love to expand my avon business, but I'm thinking in the new year I might just have to let it go completly. we will see. I need to quit a bad habit for good. and seriously get on the exercise wagon.
I also need to throughly go through my stuff and get rid of things. I am a pack rat. I have a problem. I am sort of materialistic, but only when it comes to certain things, and not all the time. I'm weird. If I can get certain brand stuff that I like, like harajuku lovers bags and perfume, I do, but then I use purses I get from Avon. and I have one coach bag. and a pair of coach rainboots. avon shoes and payless shoes. I used to use mac makeup and bare minerals but now I'm avon. anyway kind of drifted away from my point....which was I have too much stuff. I should seriously hold a garage sale. I would probably make a ton. the problem I have is that most of the stuff I horde has sentimental value and that is why it's hard for me to detach myself from it. I will have to stop putting value in things. I have an idea! I will take pictures of all the things that mean a lot to me but I don't use. that way I can always look back on them and see the objects and remember the feelings but not have them sitting on a shelf gathering dust! I'm a genius! not really but it's a good idea. :P
I will also try to do a better job on here, not that anyone reads my blog, but for my own personal whatever...lol.
I will try to aim for weekly. a lot happens in my life and after a month, well things get confusing.
so...saw new moon on my birthday with Lisa! awesome! minus the like 9 year old boys behind us, clearly dragged by the rest of the family, who were talking super loud!!
the boyfriend got laid off.
I turned 26.
I think those are all the major points. lol.
I am not a fan of the holidays this year. I skipped thanksgiving with my family to spend it with his because I thought his sister and her kids were going to be down and we see them like 1 or 2 times a year, but they came early and left before then. so that sucked, because apparently this is one of the first years in a long time that it was just family. no neighbors, no church people, just family. kinda bummed about that.
not looking forward to christmas. well, not looking forward to the travelling for christmas. maybe i will skip christmas with his family this year and just watch movies with my parents or something nice and quite. who knows at this point.
I finally got my christmas cards out. that took some time. but they are done, except for two because I haven't gotten address from them yet.
I guess it's a little bit early. but i'm thinking about my goals for this next year. one is to find a job that I can afford to work at. I like my job but I just don't work enough hours and don't get paid enough to survive off it. that will be interesting to tackle when it comes time to talk with the boss about that. a second goal of mine is to use my time more wisely. I have cut back on the facebooking, but I'm still on the computer a lot. I need to be more productive this next year, especially if I really want to get my business off the ground. In fact I'm going to make a plan. I have already gotten new business cards, actually cards. step two would be to re-vamp the website, step three go through what I have left and pick what to sell and what to reuse. step four, some kind of productivity plan for the new year. then of course stick to the plan and get some sales. I would love to expand my avon business, but I'm thinking in the new year I might just have to let it go completly. we will see. I need to quit a bad habit for good. and seriously get on the exercise wagon.
I also need to throughly go through my stuff and get rid of things. I am a pack rat. I have a problem. I am sort of materialistic, but only when it comes to certain things, and not all the time. I'm weird. If I can get certain brand stuff that I like, like harajuku lovers bags and perfume, I do, but then I use purses I get from Avon. and I have one coach bag. and a pair of coach rainboots. avon shoes and payless shoes. I used to use mac makeup and bare minerals but now I'm avon. anyway kind of drifted away from my point....which was I have too much stuff. I should seriously hold a garage sale. I would probably make a ton. the problem I have is that most of the stuff I horde has sentimental value and that is why it's hard for me to detach myself from it. I will have to stop putting value in things. I have an idea! I will take pictures of all the things that mean a lot to me but I don't use. that way I can always look back on them and see the objects and remember the feelings but not have them sitting on a shelf gathering dust! I'm a genius! not really but it's a good idea. :P
I will also try to do a better job on here, not that anyone reads my blog, but for my own personal whatever...lol.
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