bah humbug!

I am so not in the mood for the holidays! I just want them to pass and I want the new year to start.

the boyfriend is out of town and I'm going crazy. I was okay the first two days but today was horrible. at least I had a few hours of distraction when pamela and hayden came over. that boy is loud, but cute!

bleh.

so my boyfriend posted something about losing himself on facebook today, which is kind of funny because I've been feeling the same thing.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night and we were discussing change. and I told him every five years it's like I'm re-finding myself again because every five years you have big life changes. when your five you finally become like a little human being. you can hold really good conversations with adults and etc. then comes ten. you are a totally different person than you were when you were five. you have more friends your in school, it's awkward. when you turn 15...well everyone remembers what it's like being 15. lol. also awkward. 20..you are born to party. 25..you have kind of partied your way out of partying and are starting to become an actual adult. 30...etc. every five years a big change.

unfortunately for me I turned 26 but instead of feeling like I'm headed toward a big change...the big 30..the married/kids/career age...I feel like I have taken a step backwards.

I feel broken.

my relationship, which is one of the most important things in my life is broken. we are broken in so many ways and it doesn't seem like we will ever get back to where we used to be...but are we supposed to? aren't we supposed to change and grow? I think the problem for us is that we have seemed to grow and change at different times and in different ways and we can't seem to get back on track and grow and change together. I think we have hit a critical time. we are still finding out more about ourselves and we have grown and changed together over the last five years, it's time for us to grow and change within ourselves and figure out who we are again or find ourselves again. I have hope that we will find our path again and be better than ever. I have hope that this year will be the year that brings the changes to our lives that we need in order to grow and maintain our relationship. I have hope that we will outlast this bump in the road.

I have hope.