numb

i'm so numb right now.

its hard to know that the only time I have left with him is just me packing up my stuff.

I don't even think this is hard on him. I just think he can't wait until I leave. that hurts.

almost five years of my life has been devoted to him and it's hard for me to see how easy it is for him to let go. he once said that once he stops himself from feeling whatever for people that's the end. I wonder if this is the same. I wonder if I should be holding out any hope of ever having a life with him again, or if I should truly give up and try to move on.

I feel like I'm stupid or something. holding out hope to get back with someone who broke up with me.

i'm either numb or sad. that is all i am able to feel right now and both options suck.

I was trying to pack up the back room and I was going through the wii games trying to figure out which ones were mine and which ones were okay for me to take. then i found all of the pictures we have taken over our 5 years together and I had to try so hard not to cry. does any of this affect him?

the hardest part of this whole thing is that almost everything we bought was for us. for our life together and trying to separate it out is killing me. instead of sentimental value it comes down to who actually paid for it. and of course he paid for most of the good stuff, most of the sentimental stuff. and so he keeps it. and i'm left feeling empty.

it saddens me to say that after five years with him, i don't know how i will ever live without him. I know everything happens for a reason and I'm trying to believe that there is a good reason for this. I'm trying to stay positive. I know that in time I will heal but my wounds are so fresh right now and every little thing that pulls emotion from me feels like someone is pouring salt in my wounds.

i knew this would be hard, but i didn't know it would be so crushing.

I also feel like i was blindsided. i feel like it came out of nowhere and it kind of did. he led me to believe that everything was fine up until the point he told me he couldn't do this anymore. yes, he gave me chances to change and i didn't. but i figured if he loved me enough he would continue to support me...but that wasn't the case. the face that i didn't try tore him apart inside to the point of resentment. and this is where it lead. I should have known better. I should have realized sooner. I regret not trying. its the biggest regret I will ever have, because it feels like it cost me everything.