wow

sometimes my train of thought amazes me.

slowly feel like i'm going crazy. can't stop thinking about everything. finally feeling something but it's bad. totally falling apart at the seams.

this is really it. this is really the end. I shouldn't hold out hope of us ever getting back together because in the end i'm just setting myself up for more heartache.

who knows. maybe you really do still love me. or maybe you have already moved on to something better. either way, I have to find a way to survive without you. I have to find a way to let you go so that we can still be friends without me freaking out over every little thing.

I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, dreams, and life and find a way to make it through.

of course, I have no idea how I'm going to do any of those things. you were my rock for the last five years. I learned a lot of valuable things from you, I was only learning new things from you because you are so much smarter than I am. I will miss that. I will miss you correcting me all the time. I will miss your sense of logic. I will miss everything. the good and the bad.

I want to hold out hope that things might not be so final, but you have given me none. which is what you should do. here is the irony in that. you said you were tired of being my crutch, and yet here you are doing what you can do to help me let go. it's bittersweet.

i want to go back to being numb. numb was well numb.

I don't like to feel anymore.